I'm becoming increasingly interested in this poetic form thanks to you. The only things that bother me here are the repetitions of bone and wire. They seem to stick out to me, but I don't know if this is because of the form. Like I've said, I'm not familiar with it so I wouldn't know it's rules. The ending to this I absolutely adore because it seems so candid. Certainly another good one from you, keep it up.

I attempted to use some repetition in the couplets, and maybe it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. It sounds much better when I read it. Perhaps I shall try to figure out how to record an mp3 of myself reading this one aloud.

If you want to know the rules of the form, I wrote them up at the beginning of April's House, and there is a community out there somewhere on DA that I know has a write up as well (wish I could remember which one it was). I have a bunch of information on the form, though, so if you have a specific quest, let me know.

I'm really glad you liked this one so much. It pleases me greatly that you still have suggestions for me, though. After a while my professors and fellow students just stopped giving me very productive critiques. 7 or 8 creative writing classes will do that, I suppose. I feel like I've used those people up, so to speak.

--
Art is dead. Long live Dada. - Tristan Tzara

Well I'm glad I can help, though my suggestions are nothing compared to some of the critiques other writers can give you here on DA, I'm simply not all that good at it. I'm sure you'll come face to face with plenty of them, you're on a good road.

i cant tell if i like it or not, but im intrigued. it is extremely successful at keeping you drawn into it.

I'm glad you wanted to continue to read it, even if you didn't like the poem itself (if that makes any sense). Can you tell me what exactly you didn't like about it, or what may have put you off regarding it?

Ghazals are certainly my favorite form of poetry, so it pleases me that, even though they may not be everyone's cup of tea, they at least made you want to read more.

--
Art is dead. Long live Dada. - Tristan Tzara

it wasnt so much a dislike as much as the effectiveness and violence of the first five couplets. It is a disturbing poem, and the bit about flossing with barbed wire made me wince, but just because its disturbing doesnt make it bad.

the ghazal form is amazing, im glad i learned about it from you and would like to hear more

Violence is not something I feel that I must put in my poetry, and if someone else had written this, I would probably cringe when I read it, too. It's understandable. As a subject, I generally do not like to glorify violence. There is rarely reason to do so in my opinion, in anything I write about.

--
Art is dead. Long live Dada. - Tristan Tzara

read some more poems on this site today and thought id add something. A lot of poems here are gory, but its in a way that seems juvenile or overly gothic or silly. the reason yours is so good and different is because its effective; it feels cruel and unrelenting where others just seem stupid.

im suspicious that youre one of the better poets on this site

Careful, you'll make my head explode from my giant ego.

In all seriousness, though, thank you. I have been working to make my writing unique and actually good (if you read some of the things I wrote in high school you would see the necessity for the large amount of work) for the past 6 years, and I'm quite pleased that it has been paying off.

--
Art is dead. Long live Dada. - Tristan Tzara

Thank you SO MUCH for this critique! Don’t ever be afraid of being too nit-picky with me. This is what I always hope for and don’t usually get. So thankyouthankyouthankyou.

And to be honest, reading through your gallery and the different forms that you use is what made me decide to try something new, and leave free verse behind. So perhaps you should try one of these and I’ll try a ghazal.

I like your idea with “while” instead of “and” in the second stanza. I’m going to play with that a bit. And I like your suggestion as well with "unforgiving light. By/August, though, the days became". But I do think that if I change that part I may need to change the eighth line, because I don’t like the “and” there, I don’t think.

I will look at all of that while I try to rework that third stanza. Wow…I can’t believe that I put eleven lines and completely missed that!? So like you said—the sixth line has only five syllables, but that’s because I doubled up on that one. I have two with five syllables, but I went on from there okay, I think. So I’m going to rework that whole stanza now and edit the deviation. I need some time to look at it, but please let me know what you think once it’s reworked, if you can. I’ll send you a note once I make the changes.

Leading back into the beginning with the end of this form is something that I just decided to do, not anything I’d ever read anywhere else. I just felt that it was very fitting with the topic and with the cyclical nature of the seasons, and all. I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

Again, thank you so much for your advice and for your compliments. Really, it means so much to me. I especially appreciate it, as I respect your writing a great deal.

And I will be sure to pass your compliments on to for his artwork, as well. I must agree—he is a mighty talented guy.